Too Nice to Be an Effective Leader?
A boss who told me I was "too nice" to be a manager unknowingly empowered me to embrace my personality and use kindness as a business strength.
When I was in my mid-twenties working for a multi-billion dollar international corporation as a marcom specialist, I shared with my boss that I wanted to get into management and asked for his advice. I was shocked when he said:
“You’re too nice. You need to be more of a bi*&#. “
He wasn’t joking. Those who have known me for any length of time know that, well, I’m a nice person. My enneagram is nine and I do identify with many traits of nice, um, a nine.
Is nice just who I am? Was I born a "9"? Am I nice because of nature, or because of nurture?
I was adopted as a baby and grew up in a loving family. (My adopted mom was Canadian – very nice – and my dad was from northern England – also very nice.) I was eight years when my adopted mother died and no longer had the maternal nurturing every child deserves needs. My adopted dad was a plumber and was out the door every morning at 5am, returning at 4pm. He’d have a quick dinner and then head out to a dance class most nights. I was a latch-key kid before it became the norm. But despite the loss, grief and lack of traditional parenting, I had an optimistic outlook on life, cherished my friends and inherently knew that the world was, for the most part, filled with decent people. You could say that I understood that bad things happen to good people.
What the young and ambitious me in the business world knew for sure was that in order to climb the ladder of success, I needed to stay true to myself and my core values. Even if my boss who drove a brand-new Lexus, flew first class, lived in a massive house and wore a Rolex watch told me otherwise.
I wasn’t going to get ahead by walking over other people, by being nasty, by taking other people’s ideas and calling them my own. I was resolved to get into management by using my skills and strengths, learning as much as I could from mentors, classes, conferences and books, and by rolling up my sleeves and working hard.
I was going to be a nice person and be a strong leader.
I am who I am, and even during my less confident years, I wasn’t about to compromise who I was or change what I what was born to do.
After two years I left that job and that boss, and went to a smaller start-up that was a better fit. I took my experience and skills to a workplace that valued my expertise and management style – and a COO who valued me enough to put me in the role of director. That was the stepping stone I needed to advance my career, and over the years I have served in roles ranging from marketing manager, director of marketing, head of experience, vice president and chief marketing/communications officer.
My career has been filled with personal challenges, including the trial of becoming a widow when I was 44 years old. (Sheryl Sandberg, COO at Facebook, is also an Enneagram #9 and sadly was widowed at 45 years old.) Most people in the workplace who get to know me over time seem surprised that I’ve been through so much, and comment that I really seem nice in spite of everything, am very “together” and have a positive attitude.
Does everyone like my leadership style? Probably not. But I am fair, patient, flexible, willing to listen and open to collaboration. The fact that I still keep in touch with former staff members from five, 10 and 20 years ago is confirmation that I did the right thing by ignoring my boss who told me I was too nice.
I’ve had to be the bad guy at work on occasion, which I don't enjoy. I’ve had to let staff go for lack of performance, lack of professionalism or lack of funding. A nice person hates to upset people, but I’m loyal to my employers, CEOs, boards and donors. When something isn’t right, I will fix it. Sure, there are sleepless nights and lots of “what ifs” and a little bit of guilt, but doing the right thing sometimes means doing the hard thing. Doing the hard thing is especially rough when you're the "nice" manager.
I will always have more to learn. And I will always need to grow as a leader and as a person, whether I’m at the C-level or an associate tending to the plants at Armstrong Garden Center. (My dream job when I retire.)
Bottom line is that being a leader should never mean compromising your true self. Even if that means getting criticized for being too nice once in a while.
After all, some of greatest leaders and creative minds in history are also in the “nice nines” category. Walt Disney. Ronald Reagan. Abraham Lincoln. George W. Bush. John F. Kennedy, Jr. Queen Elizabeth. General Colin Powell. Jim Henson. Carlos Santana. Jack Johnson, George Lucas. Ron Howard. Mr. Fred Rogers. And yes, Sheryl Sandberg.
I feel like I'm in pretty good company with these nice leaders.
What professional advice do you not regret taking? Has being nice in the workplace helped or hurt your career? Please share your stories on Diane’s LinkedIn page. What you've learned could help someone else in their career.
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